“Maybe …I was awaiting a call that was never going to come the way I thought it would. So I missed the ‘go’ God was already giving me.”
If you’re looking for answers to your deep theological questions, this may not be where you find them. However, you’re in the right place if you want to hear stories of a Christian out in the wild. I’m just a girl who goes about her life, and sometimes the Lord sends people her way. And vice versa. I’m no scholar in the faith, and my discernment is imperfect. I hesitated to start anything of this kind for more than a year. I saw other Christian influencers have such an influence on their followers that it scared me when they said something with confidence, and it wasn’t 100% true. That’s kind of my worst fear, being wrong and leading people astray. Lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe there is another perspective I could have on this that leads to more freedom and less fear; that would get me out of this stuck feeling. My fear has some goodness in it, so I call these “half truths.” When I experience them, they normally try to disguise themselves as total truth. Which I’m finding isn’t the case most of the time. I fear I may have been operating under much fear mongering since I’ve started desiring to share these stories and what’s on my heart. I feel like it’s been a surrounding fog scaring me to still walk through it. After all, I do have free will to pursue a good desire. I really don’t like that I’ve allowed so much time and decisions to be dictated by the wreak of fear and half truths. I want the full truth and nothing but!
I have a feeling that this intention of sharing with others that God is working today in real people’s lives, is somehow also going to transform me. Now, that sounds like the Jesus Christian’s want to share!
So yeah, I am a girl who struggles with perfectionism, and many other “managers” as my therapist calls them, who is in need of a savior to navigate her steps in life. It took me more than a year to start a website that is designed for freedom of thought, expression, and creativity. A simple blog! I think my inability to satisfy a really good desire due to thinking everything had to be perfect in order to start, has robbed me of the truth that God delights in my ideas and creativity for His plan, and that He doesn’t call us to that kind of perfection; a tainted view of what being “prefect like the Father” is. To be honest, I’ve been struggling with some other core Christian beliefs as well: believing that I am good because of Him, His free will is totally free, and even that His mercy and love is real – for me.
Now that I’ve revealed most of my Christian insecurities, most of what I want to share on this blog are the people I come in contact with. I just want readers to understand that I understand I don’t know everything and I am sharing very human struggles that you may also be experiencing. It’s gonna be okay! This may be needless to say, but God doesn’t need me for His glory to be known. And if I didn’t already prove this point by admitting the struggles I have in the very faith I am trying to share, let me pose this question. Why would God want to use an imperfect person, whose faith is still yet so small, to share these stories and actually get to experience them?
Normally, people wouldn’t invite someone into joining their group project who they know will mess up a ton, always cause new problems, who might be tunnel visioned, hard to manage, stubborn, who doesn’t take heart for the purpose of the project, or who might just take all the credit in the end. My God isn’t a normal God, thankfully! He is extraordinary, kind, understanding, awe inspiring, the greatest group leader, a God who turns my whole world upside down. He makes sense in the chaos, creates things out of nothing, and isn’t afraid of mistakes, imperfections. In fact, He delights when we give him our mistakes so He can wow us by what He will do with them. He’ll even make them more beautiful than before. To be honest, I wouldn’t blame God if He didn’t want to invite me along…but that’s just my lack of understanding of the very pure character of God talking. Truly truly, God is unlike any person I have ever met.
And yet, He remains faithful to his promise that He will never forsake me. I don’t need to be perfect for him to want me to be a part of the bigger picture. So, that’s just it – there’s a bigger picture that I don’t always see. I’m starting to believe by His grace, that He has a unique plan to use these experiences, and the people I meet, to fulfill His will here on earth. But only if I want to! I’m here to say I really, really do. And that’s been my desire for as long as I can remember. He’s just been wanting me to be inspired again, to willingly participate with joy in my heart, and to trust that He delights in me and the things welling up inside me. I’m so sick and tired of being scared of being wrong. I’m so glad to finally be here.
What did it take for me to finally start? Some of these little revelations didn’t come until I started, to be honest. I suppose that’s faith at it’s finest. It started about a few month ago now, when I had the slightest bit of inspiration to write one day. I was sitting at home awaiting a call from work that I didn’t know would actually come. I’m a reserve flight attendant currently, and I’m only called into work if 1. I’m available, 2. I have my ‘call first’ ON, and 3. There is a job that needs assigning. That day, I was available, I’m sure there was flying to do, but I had my ‘call first’ OFF. Are you getting what I’m putting down?
Maybe for the past year, I was awaiting a call that was never going to come the way I thought it would. So I missed the “go” God was already giving me. I’m learning it doesn’t have to be so complicated like how I was making starting to be. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t answer the call, I was just waiting for a call when maybe He had already given me a ring elsewhere. Maybe it was by His very creation of me. Of course He wants me to share the gifts He has given me. After all, I also have a desire to. It’s the great partnership! There is always work to do be done, I just never gave myself permission to say ‘yes.’ I’m sure in that year or more He was working out some kinks in the meantime – after all I was learning to trust in his inherent delight for me. I also battled with the fact that my perfectionism was screaming in my face daily. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t good enough yet, etc. There was a strength and confidence that had to come from Him, and I had to have courage enough to receive it. I feel like maybe I had some growing to do, but not in the way I thought I needed it. I try to get ahead of God in my sanctification process a lot. It doesn’t really work out nicely if you’re wondering!
It wasn’t about strengthening my writing skills first, or gaining all the right resources (that’s what the Holy Spirit is for), but instead, I think I had growing in faith to do first. I had to grow in the confidence that God delighted in me, and come to realize perfection isn’t achieved by trying harder, it’s simply trusting in what God says about me and loving who He has created me to be. I had to come to a strengthening revelation that perfectionism isn’t the goal, it’s doing it imperfectly with Him, the Perfect. When I started letting this truth grow deeper in my heart, it was easier to let Him guide me, and trust Him with my desire to start this blog.
sigh.
“There ain’t nothing to it, then to just do it.” That came from my high school art teacher, and since, has become a sort of life mantra – especially in direct opposition to my perfectionism tendencies. I’ll never forget, I stared at a blank art project that I knew was going to be amazing. I was going to make sure of it. My way seemed polished, structured, and sure. The project was important to me, it had significance. And to show its importance, funnily enough, my polished approach didn’t allow me to do A THING for most of the class period. I can laugh at my response now, but in the moment is was so stressful! I remember my teacher making his rounds around room looking at the different art projects, him finally stopping to look at my little progress, and him responding to my many, many poor excuses of why I haven’t started yet, ‘Jillian, there ain’t nothing to it, than do just do it. Close your eyes, point to spot on the paper and just start somewhere.”
Looking at this example of perfectionism, in hindsight perfectionism makes no sense to me! Isn’t it when things are important to us that we would do anything…even mess up…to make it happen, to prove it, or I don’t know, to make sure that person knew? Isn’t that why we take on perfectionism, out of a good desire to do it right the first time? Maybe I lacked this exciting passion because my perfectionism caused me to fear so much that I would never start; instead I’d stay where it is safe. I, instead, run with eager momentary passion, but halt to a stop when I see that my perfect way to get where I want is covered in a blanket of fog. It makes sense that my brain would tell me to stop, really. I am relying on what I see. How I perceive the fog. But as a Christian, I gained a Guide that is familiar with the fog. He knows exactly what steps to take. His perfect vision is the one I am learning to trust. My own sight only gets me so far. Perfectionism is so folly, God makes sense! This reminds me when God reveals Himself in the old testament, “I Am who I Am.”
So, here I am. Embracing my imperfect part of me and starting anyway. My goal here is to share, and when I mess up and run into an object clouded by the fog, I’m not going to let it stop me from what I love to do – share the amazing stories God has given me. I plan to share them with the world in hopes that it touches someone’s heart, encourages them, and I pray, changes their life too. Giving them the person named Perfect Clarity to step into their fog anyway.
Jesus,
This project is Yours. I pray by sharing my experiences, thoughts, doubts, uncertainties, imperfect understanding, and personal convictions you would, in your perfectness, use them to speak to those who are listening. Let my imperfect humility, hope, charity, discernment, and other imperfect virtues find common ground with those hearts who have not yet encountered your love and kindness, and who may be living outside your perfect will. Jesus, thank you for knowing who you were dying for and still choosing death. We are an imperfect humanity in need of a perfect savior. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for meeting us where we are at. Thank you for loving us 7 times 77. Be near to us, oh God, and never depart from us.
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